My real color

#2
since I have started this , two days ago, I have been thinking of the stuff I should put on here. It's hard for me really cause I'm I guess what you call an " in the moment thinking with impending spontaneous subject change. So maybe this will help me with that and I'll start to cure that. Since I really only know one person is really going to read this it's almost like I'm talking to myself. Half way atleast so it's weird to put into type cause it's thoughts I know. Why type them but fuck it guess other people will read these some day. I don't plan on ever inviting my family to read these thoughts either I get enough shit already about MY life.

There is a lot more going on in me then most people know or really care but I'll share anyway. I'm a 23 year old boy. I said boy nstead of man cause I don't feel nor see myself as one. When I look in the mirror I don't know what I see I see me but I look young young young I see myself as if I was 12 or 14. Not a figure of speech either it's what I see always have. Maybe it's cause I have looked the exact same since I was 10 ( except for the scar on my forehead from car accident) or maybe it's cause I have horrable self image and confidence. I don't know but I do know I don't see myself as the other 23 to 25 year olds I know or see.
I have ADD and ADHD so I am hyper active and can't control it at times. Maybe that's why I see myself to be so young. I was on meds for so long to control it till I was 20. Then I told myself I don't want to let pills control my life. " take hold of it and control it". So I stopped taking them. It was a struggle at first but I got the hang of it. I am still learning everyday tho and I do still act out and I hate it and myself for it. That's a lead in to.
Depression. I have a deep seeded depression problem that was passed down from mom. A depression that direct family think I don't have but my mom knows I do have it. People think it's an excuse for whatever bullshit but it's there. Half of the time it's thoughts of suicide or run away from it all. Of course never act on cause I guess Im scared aswell. Probably a bad idea that I own a gun. But that's the one thing I'm responsable with. More like thoughts of slamming my car into a phone pole. Stuff like that.

Then to physical problems. It's like a " honey do list". To start I was born with I guess soft bones in my legs so they grew to be twisted. So I walked with my toes pointed in. Had to wear a funny brace that made me look like a toy army man. Youknow with the two feet connected but the bridge of plastic. Well mine was metal and hard to walk in. Funny thing is I still have it in a box. Second on the list is a bad heart. Found out later on in life when I had bad pains like a knife stabbing me. Turned out tone a heart problem it likes to skip beats or pump in weird spurts. Third to the list is my cancer scare. Have a lump and told I need blood tests but I don't have to mo ey and they are costly. Life goes on.... Hopefully. Fourth is car accident. I was in a bad car accident with a friend a few years back. I was passanger and my head hit mr windshield. Had to be flown to a tram hospital 60 miles away and my friends parents later told me the police told them " your sons friend most likely won't make it by the time you get to the hospital." I had a massive head trama a hole in my forehead and tongue. But I made it but get insanly bad headaches now. We on five now ? Broken finger that never healed correctly from a year back and whatever I did to my ankle a month ago. That's about it I'm leaving some shit out cause who cares.

I think way to much. Have random mood swings dramatic mood swings. Catch myself doing the 100 mile stare. Probably in my mind to much. I really try to not care what most people think cause it's my life what do I care what they think. When I say most I mean people I don't care about. I do care what friends and family think of course. Also think I'm a bit weak cause people like to try to control my life (family) and I guess I let them. I mean they must know what's best right ? But it's wrong it's my life and it's easier said then done. Think I'm weak cause a lot of people used me when I was a teen. Friends would take advantage of me cause I was a nice guy. Ya.

I try to avoid conflict at all cost. Like right now I am sitting in my car typing this on my phone so when my brother gets home from work he will think I got placed in a job for the day at able body. Well I did not cause they had nothing for me. Avoiding conflict so he doesn't give me shit for not working or for sitting around all day when I could have been cleaning up or whatever he thinks I should be doing. Avoid that's all I can do cause it's the same shit everyday I get a talking to about my life from him.
I'm weak
this shit is making me depressed so I'm done for now.
As I talk to myself this whole damn time.