Rape me slowly

Side note lollipop lust kill needs to make more music. Nothing like songs of murder to get you through the day or night. Speaking of murder professional murder music needs to come out with another album. 

So let's do an update. I started school Monday not was many classes as I planned on taking tho and I will explain. My father told me he was gonna cover my classes and pay for them to help me. So I signed up for 3 or 4 classes first responder, eng communications, med terms, and maybe survay to anatomy. So I signed up for all those classes. Then last min my father tells me he won't have any money to send till a few days after the due date for paying for the classes. So since my father flaked on me I had to drop all the classes but one. So I payed for first responder out of my pocket about 400 + dollars. So ya got fucked over on that one. 

What else ? Still working hard at universal. Gonna start looking for a second job cause not to be greedy but I'm not making enough money. So if I get a second job I can start affording things I need along with bills and still might have some left over cash. 
I need to do some things that I just can't afford. Like my car needs an overhaul oil change tranie flush brakes checked all that jazz. 
I need some shoes cause I have two pairs and they are falling apart it's getting bad. 
I need to start paying my brother back. 
I need to figure out what I'm doing for the future ( living situation). 

I want a few things kinda upgrades to life really. 
I would like a laptop to I can get shit done for school and stop using my phone for all my Internet needs. 
Would like to get some new clothes ( and rid of some old ones) cause alot of my stuff doesn't fit so well anymore. 
Isn't as much of a need at all but I would like to get rid of my cannon of a gun and get a newer smaller pistol.
Would really like to finish up or work on my ink.  

And a lot of other things that is to much to even list. 

I do have a long term goal. I do wanna be a fire fighter. I also wanna have my own business as crime scene and undiscovered death clean up. Basically clean up the blood and body fluids after someone dies and the body is removed. It's a good job with a lot of money possibility. 
I have a lot of other ideas I would love to start my own bar and resturant. I have an awesome theme and idea with cool food ideas. 
My mind is wrapped up with so many ideas I wanna do. Like make an RV out of an old school bus. 
My mine is always thinking up ideas and plans it's always moving. It's abit much sometimes but I like it. Then again sometimes I just have a blank mind with nothing at all happening but even when it's like that there is something happening it's hard to explain.

And so I'll end this now before it wanders off onto a side road of crazyness of how if you put a hat and sunglasses on a dog he would look like he could drive a truck.   

Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

The entertainment sode!!!!
Who says sode ??? I do bitch, moving on. So this is about music movies and what have you.

Music.
I love music always have it playing when I can. I'm a huge rock fan but not main stream more underground. Fav underground bands triggerpoint I can listen to the album all the way through without skipping amazing band that sadly didn't make enough money and called it quits. Other amazing bands Drykill logic , Demon Hunter, Showdown, 36crazyfists, Devildriver, Coal chamber, Killswitch engage, Nonpoint, Otep, Fear my thoughts, Machine head, Bloodsimple, Bobaflex, Rikets, Inflames, Soilwork , American head charge , Chimaria. All amazing bands so so many more just to many to list.
I think music is a gateway an escape from the real world a freedom. I think that music and movies are a form of art. It will get you through any troubles your having stuff to listen to when your happy or stuff that understands when your angry. It's music something to move to or sleep to.
Now I'm starting to open up to rap but not that lil Wayne fat John or dick Ross shit. Once again I'm opening up to a type of underground but not the typical rap. It's pandora that has this group together I don't know the listing type tho but it's some of the most chill music you can listen to. Not that shit that tells you to move or those fucks that say how thier life is better then everyone elses. The groups I listen to MF Doom and all his side projects from madvillians to danger doom. I like him because it's chill everyday music he talks about storys in his music or getting high ehh and just funny stuff. So he is a huge part of the rap I do listen to from time to time. So MF Doom , madvillians , jurassic 5 , chicharones , atmosphere , danger doom , mos def , Gym class heros , hieroglyphics. So yes all chill relax music to listen to.

Movies
well now I love movies. I mean who doesn't ? And if you know from the title of this blog I like comedys ( from me myself and Irene ) so yes love that movie but what is amazing is The Big Lebowski. One of the best films of all time that I can quote in and out. That and blues brothers , American psycho. Best movies ever and I love to quote. And love so many others pineapple express , inglorious bastards , any Eli Roth or Tarantino movies!!! Amazing ... But running out of time.

That's a little insight into the mind of me an my thoughts.
Peace.

Rough around the edges

Due to lack of sleep from the past week I have been struggling at work and been feeling like shit but it's life it happens and move on.

I don't know why I'm even writing this guess it's move of a note then a blog since only one person reads this if that. So with the situation at hand. Being called out in front of friends appently doing everything wrong. I don't do this correct I don't do that at all. I need to do this I should do that. That is all I'm getting is things I need to do. When all I asked was one thing no bull shit and I am still getting it.

Something was started AFTER knowing how I am and then getting told I need to change the way I am. I don't know it confuses me and so much other.
The usage of shit agaist me is getting old.

Then theirs the not talking but doing the teasers shit on facebook I don't know if your tryin to make me jealous or what.

I don't fucking know anymore I'm over tired over thinking and over cooked

I'm lost in my own head.

Well shit the bed

It's been a bit.

Lately I have been feeling like I don't fit in or I don't belong. Been feeling like that basically everywhere even my own home. It's a shitty feeling and I'm not sure why I am getting it. Maybe I'm wrong or maybe idk maybe I don't fit in. It's hard when you barely feel welcome at home. Might get better if I start to spend more time at home.

Took a trip to Clearwater over the holiday weekend spent time with old friends and family. It was alright but I would have been better if it was a shorter visit. Can only handle mike in short periods. Him bossing apperently only me around. Being a control freak and just being an ass. It will be a while before I visit again.

In other news I'm no longer single. Tho don't know why I'm even writing it cause she is the only one that reads this and I'm pretty sure she knows. Hello trouble.

Anyway I'm drawing a blank right now so not sure what else to write. I guess that's just a short update on my life.

Subject to change

Money doesn't buy happyness? My ass I doesn't it buys you cars, toys, a home, food, liquor, and in some places, If you wanna break the law, a woman for a night or a bride from Russia. So yes money does buy happyness and if you dissagree sorry.

So I now finally have money in my life I can breath easy I can smile and hopefully get out of this hole. Cashed out my 401k so that gave me a chunk to pay bills and I just got my first check from universal , which I got yesterday and still havnt checked it. I can stop worrying. Jesus it is such a good feeling.

I feel like I am a nomad out here in Orlando living out. Of friends houses and my car but it's a alot of gas money going back home and I was broke but now I'm good so I might go home more offen who knows? It's good and bad tho doing what I'm doing hanging out bein close with my friends again but it seems when ever any of us hang out we couldn't seem to be farther away from eachother for everyone. Not talking or just arguing idk maybe since I was gone they see how much I'm not wanted ... Another who knows. I will still try to stay in a good mood tho.

Excited about this weekend tho very excited. Going to a party at Danelle's house ( a fellow spring hillian I went to school with back in the day) gonna hang out with her some of her friends some other Orlando spring hellians aswell and some people coming from spring hill to think she said old high school friends Joanna Stacy and maybe steve are showin up. Gonna be awesome.

So for the most part I'm actually doing ok. Few things I need to unwrap my head around and derack the brain. Something that has been going on for a bit now and I need to stop doing the same old shit I do and just let it go. Easier said then done tho. It's cause to many problems drama and shit. I just idk hat to do. Need to think more about it. Gonna have to do something cause these feeling are the same old feelings and can't be goin there again.

And I'm fallin asleep writing this cause I just got off work.

In the end I'm happy actually happy and maybe going into my norm cheer person sometime in the future.. Have money and money buys endless happyness. And head thinking. I'm gonna drink apple juice my only real loveable fruit . And listen to my good tunes

Perfectly flawed

Nothing better then being called inadaquite in the morning...
I'm far from perfect and I'm fine with it. I am a sensie or sensative I'm accepting that cause I'm called it and starts to ring true. Being told that I have a problem cause I'm not the same as another person sure as fuck brings you down a level and since I'm already on the ground wha then? Throw that compliment ontop of already feeling like shit for struggling with a job, money, bills, family, life everything then I don't even know.
There is a problem with me being me?
With me being different.
I used to not Think so but..
I used to work hard to not be normal not be another face in the crowd but also worked hard to not make myself feel like shit for it either...
Always tryed to feel good bout who I am. Guess. Shouldn't or maybe I'm over reacting
a night out with the guys should cheer me up. That and a blast from the past just contacted me puts a smileon my face.
Now time to drink.

My real color

#2
since I have started this , two days ago, I have been thinking of the stuff I should put on here. It's hard for me really cause I'm I guess what you call an " in the moment thinking with impending spontaneous subject change. So maybe this will help me with that and I'll start to cure that. Since I really only know one person is really going to read this it's almost like I'm talking to myself. Half way atleast so it's weird to put into type cause it's thoughts I know. Why type them but fuck it guess other people will read these some day. I don't plan on ever inviting my family to read these thoughts either I get enough shit already about MY life.

There is a lot more going on in me then most people know or really care but I'll share anyway. I'm a 23 year old boy. I said boy nstead of man cause I don't feel nor see myself as one. When I look in the mirror I don't know what I see I see me but I look young young young I see myself as if I was 12 or 14. Not a figure of speech either it's what I see always have. Maybe it's cause I have looked the exact same since I was 10 ( except for the scar on my forehead from car accident) or maybe it's cause I have horrable self image and confidence. I don't know but I do know I don't see myself as the other 23 to 25 year olds I know or see.
I have ADD and ADHD so I am hyper active and can't control it at times. Maybe that's why I see myself to be so young. I was on meds for so long to control it till I was 20. Then I told myself I don't want to let pills control my life. " take hold of it and control it". So I stopped taking them. It was a struggle at first but I got the hang of it. I am still learning everyday tho and I do still act out and I hate it and myself for it. That's a lead in to.
Depression. I have a deep seeded depression problem that was passed down from mom. A depression that direct family think I don't have but my mom knows I do have it. People think it's an excuse for whatever bullshit but it's there. Half of the time it's thoughts of suicide or run away from it all. Of course never act on cause I guess Im scared aswell. Probably a bad idea that I own a gun. But that's the one thing I'm responsable with. More like thoughts of slamming my car into a phone pole. Stuff like that.

Then to physical problems. It's like a " honey do list". To start I was born with I guess soft bones in my legs so they grew to be twisted. So I walked with my toes pointed in. Had to wear a funny brace that made me look like a toy army man. Youknow with the two feet connected but the bridge of plastic. Well mine was metal and hard to walk in. Funny thing is I still have it in a box. Second on the list is a bad heart. Found out later on in life when I had bad pains like a knife stabbing me. Turned out tone a heart problem it likes to skip beats or pump in weird spurts. Third to the list is my cancer scare. Have a lump and told I need blood tests but I don't have to mo ey and they are costly. Life goes on.... Hopefully. Fourth is car accident. I was in a bad car accident with a friend a few years back. I was passanger and my head hit mr windshield. Had to be flown to a tram hospital 60 miles away and my friends parents later told me the police told them " your sons friend most likely won't make it by the time you get to the hospital." I had a massive head trama a hole in my forehead and tongue. But I made it but get insanly bad headaches now. We on five now ? Broken finger that never healed correctly from a year back and whatever I did to my ankle a month ago. That's about it I'm leaving some shit out cause who cares.

I think way to much. Have random mood swings dramatic mood swings. Catch myself doing the 100 mile stare. Probably in my mind to much. I really try to not care what most people think cause it's my life what do I care what they think. When I say most I mean people I don't care about. I do care what friends and family think of course. Also think I'm a bit weak cause people like to try to control my life (family) and I guess I let them. I mean they must know what's best right ? But it's wrong it's my life and it's easier said then done. Think I'm weak cause a lot of people used me when I was a teen. Friends would take advantage of me cause I was a nice guy. Ya.

I try to avoid conflict at all cost. Like right now I am sitting in my car typing this on my phone so when my brother gets home from work he will think I got placed in a job for the day at able body. Well I did not cause they had nothing for me. Avoiding conflict so he doesn't give me shit for not working or for sitting around all day when I could have been cleaning up or whatever he thinks I should be doing. Avoid that's all I can do cause it's the same shit everyday I get a talking to about my life from him.
I'm weak
this shit is making me depressed so I'm done for now.
As I talk to myself this whole damn time.

Intro

So this is my intro to well blogging. My grammer sucks so does my spelling so well deal with it or read a newspaper.

I don't know where the fuck to start well my name is Alex I was born in Canada in 1987. When I was about 7 my family moved to Florida to a shit hole town called Hudson. Lived there for a year then moved to spring hill. That was my home where my childhood is from 3rd grade till I was 20 years old. In wasn't popular by a long shot just well known very well known. Guess I make a name for myself it may be good cause I am a nice caring person always trying to help people over myself. Or because I'm an annoying asshole. Take your pick I don't care i am who I am and I don't care to change who I am. So I had a good life in spring hill. I found my calling I wanted to be a fire fighter. So I sure as hell tryed I volunteered at a fire station at the age of 17 I wasn't even able to go on calls cause you have to be 18 to be on a goverment truck. I didn't care I loved it I loved helping people so I stuck with it for four years. They were gonna pay for my college classes for fire fighting but and event happened that stopped me (I'll get to in a min). And so while I was volunteering I also got a job as an ambulance driver in Tampa. I said before I love helping people. But then the event happened. My mom lost her job and was moving to Orlando. A nightmare for me I had a future planned and then I lost it cause I had to move with her.

So I moved to Orlando got a job at a warehouse got paid nice tho I hated the job. Made some new amazing friends Carlos, vince, TROUBLE, Brian, and more but I am forgetting cause it's like 2am. But so things got a little better I was saving up to hopefully go to college. Then about 2 years of movin to Orlando I get hit with another bomb. Mom wants to move back to Canada. So now I have to move in with my brother in Melbourne. Hurray for another lost job. Fuck.

Puts me to where I am now working at able body at 2 am bored so writing on here trying to stay awake. That and listening to my music libary and wheeling myself around on a wheel chair keeping busy at a SAMs club while they do constuction on it and I am the door man. For shits and giggles my music libary I have heard so far are as follows ( shut up I'm fucking bored) bobaflex ( don't ask or just give a listen they are rock) drykill logic, Dillinger escape plan, Alice in chains, hed pe, deftones, dust for life, nonpoint.

Ok so back to the life short story moved to Melbourne in march and I have looked for jobs applyed for over a 100 but got nothing so I did what I had to try and get a job in Orlando. So hey I did finially get a job at universal studios. My brother hates it cause all he wants isfor me to join the military. I did what I had to I have bills and working at a day labor place isn't good income if any at all.

As I welcome you to my blog, life, loves, storys, and ideas I will say it's me and who I am. And far warning this is going to be like a bad movie ( or good movie ex. Fight club) with a lot of flash backs that somehow tie into current life problems and situations. Or just flash backs to fill people in on my past.

Done enough of that already but a there s a lot missing and will get filled in with time.

For now trying to keep busy on my wheel chair pushing myself around my door I'm supposta watch. I wanna thank TROUBLE for making me start this blog just so now I can leave comments on her blog hahahah gonna be fun

Ok I'm gonna go push shopping carts into the parking lot